So ready. . .

I'm so ready for break to be over. I think I've hit my low today. Lets hope it doesn't continue spiraling downhill, or some of the relationships I do have left my be in trouble. Unless they already are.

changing like the seasons...

So, its, what?, four days into Christmas break, a very strange, out-of-the-ordinary break, and I'm just getting around to reminiscing. First I'll address why this Christmas break has been strange and out of the ordinary. One, up until last night (yes, Monday night) I hadn't left the house. I went outside once and that was just to move my car. Sad, I know. Two, I have no plans, with anyone. This is most unusual. I feel as though I am always booked, planning one thing after another to fit into my busy, busy schedule. This could be why I haven't left the house since Friday. Three, I am enjoying being home for the most part. And much of this has to do with the fact that I now have my own room. My own space. Somewhere to go when I feel unwanted elsewhere. This, unfortunately, doesn't help me escape from the unwanted feeling I'm fighting in my head. Four, I have only talked to three friends from school, and each of them only once for about five minutes (via text). Maybe I shouldn't have made this list, because honestly, this was supposed to be my happy part of the blog, the reason this was an unusual Christmas break. As I started writing I was thinking about how this strangeness made this a much better break than previous ones. In some ways it is, but in others, I'm just sadder.

I hesitate to write any of this, because I know who will be reading it. And I love those people that will be reading it. But I'm posting it hoping they don't read it. I need some relief from my sadness and I don't want them to feel hurt. So stop reading if you are one of those people.

And now on to the reminiscing part. Beginning of the year: my friends were girls, they lived with and near me, they filled my time, things were not easy, but always entertaining. End of the semester: I can't think of one friend that I have to tell everything to. Everyone has some one, and everyone's someone is better than me. I've failed people, lost people. Things have changed. I'm ok with change. But I'm sad. And lonely. I read things on other people's blogs about plans they are making, plans without me. Yes, maybe these plans will not come to fruition, but I'm not even a consideration anymore. At least I have Joe. That may be a cop-out of sorts, maybe its the root of my problems, I'm not around anymore because of him, so being left out is my punishment. But he wants me around. I give my time to those who want me around. I'm not going to chase after people who don't think to include me. I already feel lame for not being included, so I'm not going to make myself feel worse by having others take pity on me. Its just sad. Where are my girls? Who do I have to talk to? Everything has fallen, and its taken me being alone to realize it.

Pity party for me. Now its over. Back to life.



Things to look forward to:

- Christmas!
- New years on the Grand (in Grand Rapids with JOE!!!)
- I get a massage at some point...an hour-long one =)

frustrated!

I'm sad and its making me frustrated because I'm not this girl! Its ok to be sad, but c'mon, really? Its this bad?

oh, e.e., you speak my heart...

a poem by e.e. cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)