beauty in the nothingness

First semester of my second year at Spring Arbor University is a little more than half way done, and as I sit here and evaluate it, I couldn't be happier. Through the chaos and confusion that comes with the life of being a college student, I have made wonderful new friends, strengthened old friendships in unexpected ways, reconnected with old friends, and learned a whole lot about myself.

67 days have passed since I moved into my wonderful Spring Arbor University dorm. As messy and cluttered as it can get at times, it is the space I like to call my home. Just to give you a little picture of what my “home” looks like, it consists of two black futons with very stubborn cushions that fight to meet the hair-covered floor, a wonderful papasan chair, a closet and a half plus three fridges full of food, a bathroom that is twenty shades of purple, has a leaky shower, and Glamour magazines for a bit of light reading, also featuring photographs by our very own Kelsey Lehman and Aaron Pollman. Posters line the walls, from Marilyn Monroe to Audrey Hepburn to the Disney princesses to a wonderful painting of Soho and finally an “I <3>boys * who love Jesus” poster—capturing our childlike hearts and our young adult flair for the new and beautiful. The beauty of our room is found in little things, such as a vase of dead flowers signifying the new, admirable freshness of a young couple. The pictures littering all of our rooms, telling stories of loved ones, old and new. The smell of coffee brewing is often a smell that brings a gentle sigh of relief from my lungs—the warming feeling of knowing that everything will be all right. I don’t know why a cup of coffee does that for me, but it does. A few final staples of my “home” are: a homemade boom box, dinosaur toys (Fred and Bertha), a toy box, an ugly doll named Myrtle, a lion shaped toothbrush holder, a picture of Aladdin and a Jasmine with blonde hair (Kelsey), two pumpkins (Caliopy and whatever wonderful name Kelsey has yet to reveal), a bunch of movies—including seasons of Everwood, The Wonder Years, and Boy Meets World, a fake plant, a picture of Beyonce floating around from roommate to roommate, and, of course, at least four musical instruments.

But, of course nothing would be complete without the people that surround me. They are the ones I must thank for creating such a loving, comfortable, warm environment. I was helping my sister with a speech the other day and she was going to use a quote, I heard it and it reminded me of all I have to be thankful for, especially the people I live with and interact with on a day-to-day basis.

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity....It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.” –Melodie Beattie

I am thankful for these people that surround me. They make the fact that I am truly an alien living in this land, bearable. They bring out the best in me and teach me how to calm down and just enjoy being. Very rarely do the best moments come from planned efforts, they often come from the simplicity or spontaneity of life. A long bike ride at the peak of autumn. A walk through the woods, overflowing with crisp leaves and bear trees. A quick run to Walmart to recycle. Driving just to drive. Listening to a new c.d. Going to a cornmaze that is completely covered in 2 foot deep, squishy mud, then having to push cars out of the “parking lot.” Playing a sport from which I will likely develop bruises. Just being surrounded by others while worshipping the God I love. Even studying in the library can have its fun moments. When a kid sitting across from you literally falls asleep. When proofreading papers turns simple things such as ‘triangle’ into inside jokes. We don’t even have to leave the comfort of our floor to enjoy ourselves. Getting together a group of girls to sit around, eat Ben & Jerry’s, and watch a funny movie. Sneaking into each others rooms and scaring each other. Finding guitar parts that have been flung across the room. Learning the intricacies of the guitar. Having dance parties—or even better—dance-offs. Staying up talking. Having water fights. Learning about a new person and making plans with them, for example, maybe to work at a camp together. A surprise visit from a Californian. Laughing about interesting lobby conversations. Putting a friend’s name in a raffle to win a date—and having them win! It’s the simple things that are extravagant. The ordinary things that help people connect. It is those people who are there with you, doing nothing, that you have to thank. They challenge you to think outside of the box and become empathetic even to topics that you really have no interest in. These people love me like my family does, and sometimes it is hard to come home because I fear that I will miss these little, insignificant moments. Unfortunately, I cannot cut myself in two, occupying both of my homes and spending time will all of my loved ones.

But the fact is: this is home to me, college. And of course I miss my real home, the HOME home. I miss the people, the familiarity, but I don’t know when or if things will ever be how they were. I see a college student playing with a little kid and I long to be with my cousins. I miss having a mini-me to talk to, someone who sees life through a set of innocent eyes, loving the simplicity of life even more than I do, someone who loves me a ton regardless of how much I am around and will not make me feel bad for not being around. I hate that I’m missing out on my sister’s life. The big bad president of the whole fricken world, who makes speeches and plays a mean volleyball game. That gorgeous girl who works her butt of on paper mache ‘Patrick’s and on science fair experiments. A girl who graduates this year, a graduation I will see, but will not know what led to it. I’m missing out and I hate that. I miss my mom and my grandparents and my family a whole bunch. And I’m thankful for them being so patient with me, and not expecting to see me every time I’m home.

I’m grateful for these people and the moments that make my life great. God has blessed me in so many ways, and often I deflect the reality of these blessings. I know they are there, and I appreciate them. I wish that I could express to you all how far I’ve come from useless space in a useless body to being a person who actually appreciates what she has, but emotions cannot flow through the world wide web. I pray that everyone can express gratitude for the simplicity, for the beauty, and for the experiences and people in their life the way I am beginning to. In my life, there is beauty in the nothingness that everyone sees, but to me it is beauty in the everythingness that I love.