obnoxious much?

Man I feel like one of those obnoxious blogger people. You know the ones, they blog about five times a day about things that really don't matter to anyone. In my defense, this blog was supposed to be my connection to home. I have to say that I think it was an epic failure. My only followers are not my family, but my friends, therefore I have decided that it is no longer necessary for me to post about mundane things that are boring to everyone (if any family is reading this, please let me know and I will continue writing about the day-to-day stuff that some people already know). Back to my point. The first (two) posts from today (well now yesterday) were directed to my family. This, this is directed to all of you who genuinely care to read my thoughts. My thoughts. Those that are my own. Not duplicates of anyone else's. That thought comforts me.

Well, as I was laying in bed about 15 minutes ago, I decided that I couldn't fall asleep until I got something off of my chest, something that I have just realized. My relationships with my friends have been great this year. No major fights. No uncomfort. No loneliness. Until now. I'm not saying that I have gotten into any major fights, because that is not necessarily the case. I have been lonely, which is sad considering I am surrounded by people here. The problem is that I don't pay attention to other people enough and when I need them, it just isn't quite satisfying to have them around. Now that sounds harsh. And I don't mean it that way. It is not that they have any failing within them. Its me that has the problem. These people have done all they can to make me happy, yet I remain sad, depressed even. While my relationships with my friends have skyrocketed, my relationship with God has, well sunk to what I would consider, a low-point. I have forgotten him until it is convenient for me. When I'm upset, I pray to him to fix it. Make me better. Give me peace. Why would he give me peace if I'm not willing to accept his love all the time? If I'm not willing to let that be enough?

What I've decided is that I have to put aside trying to fix the holes within my friendships, stop trying to fill the lonely space, and soak Jesus in. Pray. Worship. I don't think that any of this sadness will dissipate until I fill the empty space with my Lord. Only then will the holes of my friendships become whole. Only then will I be content rather than lonely. Only then will I be happy with myself and what God is giving me, because I am paying attention. There is peace in letting go. There is beauty in walking away.

Look in my side bar and listen to 'Beauty in walking away' by marie digby if you have time. It has been the nudge I need right now.