mysterious as the dark side of the moon

So today has been one of those days. You know the kind, you begin the day completely positive that nothing good could come out of it, but then when looking back on the day, it has been one of the best in a while. I think that everything that I expected to be one thing was the complete opposite. I expected to go to photography class today (its one of my favorites), that didn't happen. The first class of the semester that I skip is not because I want to skip, but because I needed to get a few things straightened out with my best friend. I expected to go to one of my classes and having to sit through a completely irrelevant lecture, but I was surprisingly interested. I expected to go to work and be bored out of my mind, but I was quite busy and had some fun, even connected with some of my new co-workers a little more. I expected to go to intramural volleyball and do a little better than I did (actually I was hoping our team would win), that was not the case. I expected to go to Bible study, but forgot and instead had dinner (at 11pm) and talked about my relationship with God with one of my friends. All in all, it was a good night, turning out completely opposite of what I expected =)


My favorite things about today:

"No probs, no probs!" Paul Patton

"We're TWINKLES!" Britney Miller

Kelsey breaking RaeLee's pencil, while writing her an apology note for breaking her freezer door.

Toy Story

So today is a Woody day. If you know anything about Toy Story (the movie), you might remember that in the first movie, when Buzz Lightgear comes, Woody is pushed to the side by whatever his name. I am Woody, and I don't like it. This sad feeling overcomes me when I see my best friend doing the things that we used to do--the things that made our friendship fun--with someone else. Someone who is better at sports than I am, someone who is better at fighting, someone who is better at games and movie quotes. Those were things I know I'm not good at, but I had fun trying because I was doing them with my best friend. She is still my best friend, and times are tough right now, but I know she loves me. During my devotions today, I learned about how our obstacles are really just ways to strengthen our faith. We are to persevere through the tough times and we will become complete and mature through our perseverance. We will learn something about ourselves from having faith and pushing forward. I'm pushing forward. I'm bettering my self in this rough time, and things will become comfortable eventually. Until then I will continue praying.

Ghandi

So, you might be thinking, What inspirational gibber jabber does this girl have to offer from the words of Ghandi. I'm sorry to disappoint, but none. Ghandi is my red, male betta fish. My birthday gift from the lovely Kelsey Lehman. Oh and we had a staring contest today. He totally won.

obnoxious much?

Man I feel like one of those obnoxious blogger people. You know the ones, they blog about five times a day about things that really don't matter to anyone. In my defense, this blog was supposed to be my connection to home. I have to say that I think it was an epic failure. My only followers are not my family, but my friends, therefore I have decided that it is no longer necessary for me to post about mundane things that are boring to everyone (if any family is reading this, please let me know and I will continue writing about the day-to-day stuff that some people already know). Back to my point. The first (two) posts from today (well now yesterday) were directed to my family. This, this is directed to all of you who genuinely care to read my thoughts. My thoughts. Those that are my own. Not duplicates of anyone else's. That thought comforts me.

Well, as I was laying in bed about 15 minutes ago, I decided that I couldn't fall asleep until I got something off of my chest, something that I have just realized. My relationships with my friends have been great this year. No major fights. No uncomfort. No loneliness. Until now. I'm not saying that I have gotten into any major fights, because that is not necessarily the case. I have been lonely, which is sad considering I am surrounded by people here. The problem is that I don't pay attention to other people enough and when I need them, it just isn't quite satisfying to have them around. Now that sounds harsh. And I don't mean it that way. It is not that they have any failing within them. Its me that has the problem. These people have done all they can to make me happy, yet I remain sad, depressed even. While my relationships with my friends have skyrocketed, my relationship with God has, well sunk to what I would consider, a low-point. I have forgotten him until it is convenient for me. When I'm upset, I pray to him to fix it. Make me better. Give me peace. Why would he give me peace if I'm not willing to accept his love all the time? If I'm not willing to let that be enough?

What I've decided is that I have to put aside trying to fix the holes within my friendships, stop trying to fill the lonely space, and soak Jesus in. Pray. Worship. I don't think that any of this sadness will dissipate until I fill the empty space with my Lord. Only then will the holes of my friendships become whole. Only then will I be content rather than lonely. Only then will I be happy with myself and what God is giving me, because I am paying attention. There is peace in letting go. There is beauty in walking away.

Look in my side bar and listen to 'Beauty in walking away' by marie digby if you have time. It has been the nudge I need right now.

Birthday Happiness =)

I forgot to tell everyone in my last post about my amazing birthday...Mom, Ali, & Joe came up to visit on Saturday and they took me out to eat--we went to bd's Mongolian grill, and man was it great! After that we went to IKEA and stopped by Target so I could get khakis for my new job! (more on that Later!). We came back and they checked out my room, and after that I grabbed Emily and we went to dinner. Emily was amazing this weekend. I wasn't particularly excited about the weekend because everyone was gone and it was my birthday, but she was a trooper, and it ended up being probably one of the best birthday weekends ever. We talked a lot, which is something we haven't got to do in a long time (she was my roommate last year). We watched 500 days of summer and got mad at the characters, and we made funny videos and took great pictures. Another great person that I got to spend alot of time with RaeLee when she got back to school too. It was great. Then monday I got to start my first day at the Spring Arbor Cafe as a waitress. I have worked two days so far and am getting into the swing of things.

Tammera came back from her weekend on Monday and brought me back some magnets with the letters of my name on them. Kelsey brought me back a hippo named Heroldine, and the promise of getting a betta fish =) If its a girl its name will be Caliopy and if its a boy- Theophilus (though I am open to suggestions on this one). Also Madee and Angie made me cupcakes...well, once they are gone I will go back to my no-sweets-except-Friday rule!

and here's to the beginning of it all. . .

I'm not really sure where to begin with this one. I haven't been on here in a while and therefore there is a lot I'm sure I have to tell. We'll start with the end of 09. I finished yet another semester of college. Grades were good enough. In November, the Intramural football team that I was on won the championship! It was wonderful. We began the season off on a pretty rough note. We went out there and just kept chasing our tails. We did not know what we were doing, we had way too many people, and the team we were playing had it all together. By the end of the season, I had found my place on the team--the official 'Delpha' (that is representative of the floors of Delta and Alpha) hiker-- and my team had found its place within the ranks of the Spring Arbor University Intramural...Association... For the championship game we played the same team that slaughtered us in that first game. And guess what? We won. I'll leave the pictures to show you how wonderfully we won. . .

So, if you didn't catch that, we won 20-0. It was absolutely beautiful.

Before leaving for break, I got to spend time with friends I wouldn't see for a while. My roommates and I enjoyed decorating for Christmas. Later we had a Christmas party here on campus, in which we made and decorated sugar cookies, watched the Grinch, took funny pictures and made paper snowflakes (which never got put up).

Late December brought a little bit of relaxation with my family and friends. This break was actually tons better than last Christmas break. I was almost never bored (during the day anyway). I got to spend some time with Mindy B, Rachel, lots of time with Lauren, and Colten. Christmas brought some changes this year, but they were still good times, brought in with my family that I love.

Now, back to school I have been having a bit of a rough time. And the worst part is that I think that I have been taking it out on my friends a bit. I'm not sure quite what has been going on, but I just don't feel like I have been being the best me I can be. I also feel like I have been putting myself aside a little bit. I honestly don't remember when the last time was that I did something just because I wanted to do it. I feel like when I do things I either do them because someone else wants to or I don't do the things I want to do because no one else wants to do them. I am going to try to start doing things that I want to do, even if that means going by myself. I like doing things for people, and maybe that is my problem, I want to make people happy, and that makes me happy for the most part, but I just don't feel like I have been that happy lately, and that makes me sad. I know that I need to rely more upon God than I have been. Yesterday I went to Deeper (which is kinda like a Wednesday night church thing for college students) and I just saw how empty spiritually my life has been lately. When things are going well and are busy, I just forget to rely on God and to continue to develop my relationship with him. We'll see how things go with my new attitude and I'll let you know.

beauty in the nothingness

First semester of my second year at Spring Arbor University is a little more than half way done, and as I sit here and evaluate it, I couldn't be happier. Through the chaos and confusion that comes with the life of being a college student, I have made wonderful new friends, strengthened old friendships in unexpected ways, reconnected with old friends, and learned a whole lot about myself.

67 days have passed since I moved into my wonderful Spring Arbor University dorm. As messy and cluttered as it can get at times, it is the space I like to call my home. Just to give you a little picture of what my “home” looks like, it consists of two black futons with very stubborn cushions that fight to meet the hair-covered floor, a wonderful papasan chair, a closet and a half plus three fridges full of food, a bathroom that is twenty shades of purple, has a leaky shower, and Glamour magazines for a bit of light reading, also featuring photographs by our very own Kelsey Lehman and Aaron Pollman. Posters line the walls, from Marilyn Monroe to Audrey Hepburn to the Disney princesses to a wonderful painting of Soho and finally an “I <3>boys * who love Jesus” poster—capturing our childlike hearts and our young adult flair for the new and beautiful. The beauty of our room is found in little things, such as a vase of dead flowers signifying the new, admirable freshness of a young couple. The pictures littering all of our rooms, telling stories of loved ones, old and new. The smell of coffee brewing is often a smell that brings a gentle sigh of relief from my lungs—the warming feeling of knowing that everything will be all right. I don’t know why a cup of coffee does that for me, but it does. A few final staples of my “home” are: a homemade boom box, dinosaur toys (Fred and Bertha), a toy box, an ugly doll named Myrtle, a lion shaped toothbrush holder, a picture of Aladdin and a Jasmine with blonde hair (Kelsey), two pumpkins (Caliopy and whatever wonderful name Kelsey has yet to reveal), a bunch of movies—including seasons of Everwood, The Wonder Years, and Boy Meets World, a fake plant, a picture of Beyonce floating around from roommate to roommate, and, of course, at least four musical instruments.

But, of course nothing would be complete without the people that surround me. They are the ones I must thank for creating such a loving, comfortable, warm environment. I was helping my sister with a speech the other day and she was going to use a quote, I heard it and it reminded me of all I have to be thankful for, especially the people I live with and interact with on a day-to-day basis.

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity....It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.” –Melodie Beattie

I am thankful for these people that surround me. They make the fact that I am truly an alien living in this land, bearable. They bring out the best in me and teach me how to calm down and just enjoy being. Very rarely do the best moments come from planned efforts, they often come from the simplicity or spontaneity of life. A long bike ride at the peak of autumn. A walk through the woods, overflowing with crisp leaves and bear trees. A quick run to Walmart to recycle. Driving just to drive. Listening to a new c.d. Going to a cornmaze that is completely covered in 2 foot deep, squishy mud, then having to push cars out of the “parking lot.” Playing a sport from which I will likely develop bruises. Just being surrounded by others while worshipping the God I love. Even studying in the library can have its fun moments. When a kid sitting across from you literally falls asleep. When proofreading papers turns simple things such as ‘triangle’ into inside jokes. We don’t even have to leave the comfort of our floor to enjoy ourselves. Getting together a group of girls to sit around, eat Ben & Jerry’s, and watch a funny movie. Sneaking into each others rooms and scaring each other. Finding guitar parts that have been flung across the room. Learning the intricacies of the guitar. Having dance parties—or even better—dance-offs. Staying up talking. Having water fights. Learning about a new person and making plans with them, for example, maybe to work at a camp together. A surprise visit from a Californian. Laughing about interesting lobby conversations. Putting a friend’s name in a raffle to win a date—and having them win! It’s the simple things that are extravagant. The ordinary things that help people connect. It is those people who are there with you, doing nothing, that you have to thank. They challenge you to think outside of the box and become empathetic even to topics that you really have no interest in. These people love me like my family does, and sometimes it is hard to come home because I fear that I will miss these little, insignificant moments. Unfortunately, I cannot cut myself in two, occupying both of my homes and spending time will all of my loved ones.

But the fact is: this is home to me, college. And of course I miss my real home, the HOME home. I miss the people, the familiarity, but I don’t know when or if things will ever be how they were. I see a college student playing with a little kid and I long to be with my cousins. I miss having a mini-me to talk to, someone who sees life through a set of innocent eyes, loving the simplicity of life even more than I do, someone who loves me a ton regardless of how much I am around and will not make me feel bad for not being around. I hate that I’m missing out on my sister’s life. The big bad president of the whole fricken world, who makes speeches and plays a mean volleyball game. That gorgeous girl who works her butt of on paper mache ‘Patrick’s and on science fair experiments. A girl who graduates this year, a graduation I will see, but will not know what led to it. I’m missing out and I hate that. I miss my mom and my grandparents and my family a whole bunch. And I’m thankful for them being so patient with me, and not expecting to see me every time I’m home.

I’m grateful for these people and the moments that make my life great. God has blessed me in so many ways, and often I deflect the reality of these blessings. I know they are there, and I appreciate them. I wish that I could express to you all how far I’ve come from useless space in a useless body to being a person who actually appreciates what she has, but emotions cannot flow through the world wide web. I pray that everyone can express gratitude for the simplicity, for the beauty, and for the experiences and people in their life the way I am beginning to. In my life, there is beauty in the nothingness that everyone sees, but to me it is beauty in the everythingness that I love.