Butter Pecan.

I'm in a new place right now. Somewhere I am completely content with, and that comes with its own consequences, but right now, I'm happy and I'm going to ride that wave.

I feel so ... together. That is not something I've really felt strongly in the two years I've been at SAU. Not that I've felt like I've been falling apart all this time, but right now I have this overwhelming feeling of togetherness. I have this great job that I love, great roommates, great friends, great classes. And I've been having a wonderful time getting familiar with a new year and new people. This is the first time that I've felt like, to some extent, I've got the answers to the questions.

I think part of my feeling of being together comes from being content. Not from being content in not trying for better, but content with what I have. I'm content with being single. I'm content with my place in life, and where God is leading me (which is I have no clue where...). I finally have hope for the future. Trusting that God is faithful in life, no matter what, is what gives me hope. Hope that there is someone out there for me, but I'm not ready yet. Hope that my friends will be at peace with their lives. Hope that my problems in life will fix themselves if I don't worry, even that the problems I see really aren't problems to be fixed.

My prayer is that God strengthens me in order to help others, he renews my hope and trust in Him each and every morning, and that I remember this feeling. In this moment. Right now.

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So, B posted an old poem of hers the other day, and I thought I would go through my old poetry (I played around with it a bit in high school, then had to do a poetry project in high school...). I found one that almost made me cry, not because its great or anything, but I had to wonder what I was going through at the time to make my heart so ready to write this. But here it is!


another Freak, another Geek
just one more kid refusing to speak
cuz someone sits there telling him
you’re no good, you’ll never win.

another Prep, another Jock
one more kid that lives to mock
they go and do it without a care
while the victims think life’s not fair.

another Drinker, another Cutter
another cause for the world to mutter
they say she has nothing left to gain
not realizing they’re adding to the pain.

over there’s the Beauty Queen
and beside her another Hopeless Teen
the Queen’s world is on a silver platter
the other’s mourning doesn’t even matter.

another Dork, another Nerd
their name’s a scar the world concurred
they live each day with insecurity
brought about by others’ insanity.

the Molested, Abused, and Brokenhearted
their ranting hasn’t even started
be brave, stand out, be a rebel
give the kids hope, drop the label.

Over and over again. . .

I post about this every year, I know, but sometimes I just can't believe I pick such great friends...

I LOVE MY FRIENDS!

The look on your face is delicate. . .

So, first week of school is down. Done. over. We've had our first chapel, our first concert. Our first open mic night. I've met some freshies, had a couple of classes, had a fantastic floor meeting, been to some volleyball, soccer, movie on the lawn. Gotten to know my girls =] All in all, I think its been a great week. The downs have been there, but the ups far outweigh them.

Oh and we had roommate pictures today =] will be showing them later! I love my roomies!

One day down...

Wow. So the last week and a half has flown by. But it also seems like it began AGES ago. Almost a week and a half ago I began training to become a resident assistant, and earlier this week I officially became one. I am the resident assistant of Delta Two. A floor overflowing with diversity. Three girls from Wisconsin, Two from Canada, Two (maybe a couple more) from Ohio, One from Kansas. My floor is made up of a resident assistant, a spiritual life advisor, an intramural representative, a campus safety officer, two volleyball players, two soccer players, a volleyball manager, two track runners, graphic designers, teachers-in-training, future social workers, writers, accountants, musicians, swing dancers. Freshman, Sophomores, Juniors, Seniors, and Transfers. Caucasian, Latino, African American. My floor has a plethora of diversity, and I'm loving it. It is going to make for an extremely exciting year. Its keeping me on my toes already =] The girls are great and I'm enjoying getting to known them! I've already been shot at with spidey darts!


Here are a few pictures from the first days of school...

The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

So I'm going to start this again by saying that camp has been good for me. I applied and arrived at camp expecting this amazing experience. . . And I was let down. I didn't make friends extremely easily. Yes, everyone was nice to me (though sometimes it didn't quite seem like it with some), but I didn't really connect with anyone. I had no one to talk to, to confide in, to hug. Nothing at all like my friends from college. I came expecting exact replicas of them I think. A month went by and the closest thing I had to a friend was a 10 year old I saw maybe once every two weeks. There were people I really thought I could be friends with, people I thought were absolutely hilarious and friendly, but who I just couldn't bring myself to talk to or just couldn't quite connect with. There was no one to joke with, often I wasn't included in things, and that just made me feel pretty bad. Through all of this though, I was enjoying my surroundings, often just happy to be WITH people, even if they weren't talking to me about anything. I was happy, but I still longed to have the friendship that I had a college, the friendship I expected would just be waiting for me at camp. I had great weeks in that first month though, I was a kids camp counselor for three amazing girls, I reconnected with two girls I had went to camp with when I was in 5th grade and HADN'T SEEN SINCE, my grandparents came up for a week and I had an amazing time talking with them, and my sister and the Kings came up and I had a blast hanging out with them (making me really appreciate the fact that she chose to come to my college!). But during this great weeks with people I already knew, I didn't manage to grow in my relationships with anyone I had just met.

But that all changed about two weeks ago. Shopping is spiritual, and that's all you need to know. Just kidding, that sounds weird. Two of my co-workers and I drove to Lansing after their shifts and we spent the rest of the day shopping and talking. On the way back we really started talking about deep, spiritual stuff. And then a couple of days later I felt comfortable praying in front of them (which I honestly don't know if I've ever done out loud with my friends from home). Since then, I have grown in friendship with those two girls, we've had many more talks about our faith, how we've been growing, things we've found interesting, and things we're struggling with. We've helped each other through some tough times, and we plan on keeping each other accountable in our faith when we return to college. We've all hit spiritual highs being here at camp, we're in this bubble where being close to God is encouraged, and the beautiful Northern Michigan setting only encourages it further. Working in a camp setting also requires extreme amounts of strength daily. Strength I don't have anymore. I can't do it on my own and I've learned to rely on God for all of the strength I need throughout the day. Once we're back to school this won't be the case. We'll be comfortable, back into our routines, and God probably won't seem as necessary. But he is, just not in the same ways as before.

I've begun to make friend with some of the other people here, joking around with others and everything. I'm now comfortable with them and all of the loneliness of the first month has faded. Once I threw out my expectations of what I thought this summer should be, God provided for me. There are still a few people I don't talk to much at all, but not because I don't like them, honestly I'm not sure why because I would like to talk to them. There are still times I feel left out and get frustrated and think that people are mean and don't like me, but hey, anger for five seconds and I throw it out. Given to God.

I've been keeping (well I just started) a journal to track the good things that have happened within my spiritual journey. ...way too much to post now. Maybe someday I'll tell you some of the amazing stories. but before camp, I felt that there was a glass ceiling keeping me from getting anywhere near to close to God, that glass ceiling has gone and I really feel as if I have something to strive toward--getting closer and closer to God. I am no longer stagnant.

When the world's all as it should be...

So camp has been good for me. Definitely been preparing me for my leadership role as an RA. I thought I was ready, I didn't think there was anything left for me to learn or grow in. Boy was I wrong. Yeah, I still am a bit worried about being an RA, but I definitely know that I'm more worried about how I would have done if I hadn't learned what I've learned. I've always heard (especially at SAU) that we can all be lifelong learners, but I think the best lessons are those you aren't expecting to learn. I hope to come back to school and retain and put into action all of the things that I've learned, but I know it will be extremely difficult. Luckily, I've got two girls at camp that are going to try to continue to challenge me and keep me accountable, and vice versa.

I'm super excited for this year, I have high hopes, but more for relationships I hope to create with the girls on my floor than those that they may or may not create with others on the floor. I would love to achieve a cohesive community within a Delta floor. It is my challenge, and I've definitely been praying for it, but if it doesn't happen I won't get too disappointed. I believe that one of the first steps toward creating community within the floor is cultivating a strong relationships with the girls as individuals. Once they know I care, hopefully they'll feel included and want to join in and get to know others. I'm hoping to have plenty of activities and opportunities for people to get to know one another, but we'll see how it all goes. I know many of the girls on my floor, and they're wonderful people, definitely girls who get along with others, and girls who I'm proud to call my best friends. There are still so many things to be planning, so many things I need to work out yet, trying to schedule all of my activities, and schedule them around volleyball and soccer games, as well as trying to vary nights so those with night classes can be involved. I also want to try to meet with everyone individually at least once a month. I will also have to work closely with my amazing SLA--Shout out to KayLeh!-- to plan a great foundation for Bible Study this year. It will work, I just have faith that God is planning to do great things for the floor this year. I have so much I need to share with these girls--some of whom I haven't even met yet! My heart is here, I'm completely passionate about this job, and I'm ready to be God's amazing light in the lives of these girls.

This blog didn't go quite the way I planned for it to go, but I think I really needed to get some of this stuff out, I now have some of my goals down and "in writing" for others to keep me accountable to.